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Posted on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 at 9:36 AM by Robby Roberts
Most of you know that I have been fighting depression for many years. It was made worse when we were run down in the CVS parking lot back in 2004. I know that my friends WANT to make me feel better, and some of you try really, really hard. I appreciate it, but while your intentions are good, unless you've been in this mindset, you can't grasp how many of your attempts are only compounding the problem. So, let me just give you some advice, because the odds are that I am not the only person you know dealing with this.
What NOT to do:
- Don't tell them to "Just cheer up" or "Just put it out of your mind" - if it was that simple, we would have. Most people with depression have an issue with OBSESSION, many are even cross diagnosed as having OCD. It's not a switch we can just flip off when someone tells us to cheer up. Trying to make it sound like a simple fix only frustrates us. It makes us feel that, if it's so simple then there must really be something wrong with us if we can't "Just get over it."
- Don't try to trivialize or "minimize" the problem(s) that are bringing the person down. While you may see it as a small issue, or no big deal (it it may, in reality be just a trivial issue), it's a BIG DEAL in the eyes of the person that is depressed. This only frustrates us, and makes the depression worse. It makes us feel like our problems are not important to the people that we think care about us, and if our problems are not important to you, then we are not important to you.
- Don't try to MAKE us feel better. I know, it's human instinct (Especially for us guys) to try to make things better, and to make our friends feel better. Trust me, it's not something YOU can fix. It's something in our mind and WE have to come to terms with it. Your attempts to help can lead to more,... anyone?? anyone?? FRUSTRATION (Are you seeing a pattern here??)
- Don't blame yourself! It's NOT YOU. It's nothing YOU have done. This is something that really frustrates us, and it compounds the problem by making US think we have done something else wrong.
- Don't claim you KNOW or that you UNDERSTAND. Unless you've been here, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!
You can see, many of the things you would normally do to try to cheer up someone can make a person with depression feel worse.
What you CAN DO:
- Listen, let them know you care. It's OK to say you don't UNDERSTAND. That tells us you care, even though you don't grasp the problem. Just be a shoulder.
- Let them know that whatever it is that's bothering them IT IS important to you too. No matter how trivial their problem may be. Nothing makes us feel better than to know that what's bothering us IS IMPORTANT to someone else. There is another meaning to the old saying "Misery Loves Company." It's not that we want other people to be miserable. It's that we want to know we are NOT ALONE.
- Understand that they don't always want to be around GROUPS of other people. Do you know what it feels like to be in a room full of people, all having a good time, yet you feel ALL ALONE? Many people think the best thing to do for someone who's depressed is drag them out to a club, or a party. Let me tell you, even being in a room with people that you KNOW love you & care about you like your family, your friends or at church can cause anxiety even paranoia. The best thing you can do for them is just be with them. If they just want to be alone with you, then understand. Let them be the one that wants to be around other people, when THEY are ready. Not when YOU think it will make them feel better.
- The most important thing you can do is to NOT FORCE THEM. Instead of trying to MAKE them feel better, give them a reason to feel better.
I hope this helps you guys. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of ANYONE in your life that is fighting with depression. It is a fight, and only we can fight it. But, it's nice to know that there are people standing BESIDE US, ready to face the problem with us. No matter how trivial it it to you. Remember, it's all relative to your point of view. I won't go into Einstein's theory of relativity here, but think of it like this: "Sit with a beautiful girl for an eternity, and it can feel like a moment. Sit on a hot stove for a moment and it can feel like an eternity."
Enstein's take on relativity!